To the outside world I seem like the perfect human woman, ruling the social hierarchy with my impressive wit and indisputable good looks.  Men and women alike look up to me as a pillar of success, mothers stop in the streets for me to kiss their babies, and everyone constantly asks for my unbeatable pad Thai recipe.

But in the sanctity of my private life I harbour a terrible, terrible secret.  They say admitting you have a problem is the first step, so here goes…

I, Louise Bastock, am addicted to lip balm.

It all started when I was a kid.  At an early age I began suffering from what is known as ‘chapped lips’, so my mother purchased me a balm to soothe my crusty lips.  Alas, if only I had known what would happen once I had that first hit.

Initially I would spend all my pocket money on sticks of Nivea or the latest craze in Vaseline pots. But as I grew up my tastes got more expensive: only the Body Shop vitamin E balm would do and I resorted to pinching pounds from my parents change pot to fund my despicable habit.  As an adult, things only got worse – credit cards meant I could bulk buy chapstick online.  But thankfully my tastes had settled on a mid-range product (Palmer’s Coco Butter) so I was saved a few pounds there.

I knew I had a real problem when I began lashing out violently each time I thought I had lost my lip balm.  I often left my flatmates broken and battered, storming off to the nearest Boots to replace a chapstick that had lodged itself permanently down the side of the sofa.  It became a vicious cycle of abuse, I could always kiss any hurt better with my unnaturally soft lips, so for a time I didn’t see that I was doing anything wrong.

And it didn’t just stop at home.  I’ve been fined several times now for assaulting shop assistants when their store didn’t stock my beloved Coco Butter.  A particularly bad episode saw the general manager of Boots performing a citizen’s arrest after pulling me off a young Saturday worker I was attempting to strangle with the cord of a BaByliss hair dryer (£39.99, I know because they made me pay for it on top of the fine, the bastards).

This wasn’t normal behaviour.  I tried to kick the habit but every time I went off the balm I was left with a dry puckered mess where once were satin smooth lips.  And each time I’d hit the stick twice as hard to make up for it.

I consulted the well-known medical  journal Buzzfeed for some answers and came across several useful case studies – 13 Signs You’re Addicted To Lip Balm, 15 Signs You Are Emotionally Dependent On Lip Balm – which at the very least helped me to acknowledge my problem.

Besides the violence I knew things had to change when I realised my own health was at risk.  My flatmate alerted me to a horrific, and highly legitimate, medical study that said over using lip balm could actually damage and shrink a healthy pair of lips.  I knew my lips had always been small, but now I was actually to blame for their diminishing size and voluptuousness.

Sadly this is no heroic tale of redemption.  Even as I write this I must pause to re-apply since my tears keep washing away the vanilla-y goodness of my Palmer’s SPF 15.  But hopefully by sharing my story I will save others from the anguish and hurt I inflicted on those close to me, and more importantly, on my lips.  If I can urge you of one thing, it’s to use lip balm in moderation, don’t become a slave to the salve.  And if you see a friend going down the same path as I did, try not to judge and know the struggle is real.  The struggle is real.