There is always one.  One chump who turns up just before mid-night, pissed as a fart, barely able to stand up, who begins commandeering the iPod with his/her own poorly edited electro-reggae-fusion-megga-mix, insists that everyone do shots from Jim’s belly button and then subsequently pukes in a location only to be disturbingly discovered several weeks later.  Usually under the guise of ‘party animal’ this tosser successfully manages to ruin what was shaping up to, probably, be one of your best New Year’s parties yet.

Unfortunately it is an inevitability when you combine booze and holiday cheer with a heady dose of that NYE party pressure, that something is going to snap.  So, in an attempt to save us all the embarrassment, and cleaning fees, here are some good rules to abide by to avoid starting 2015 sending out hundreds of apology texts (that is, if you haven’t lost/broken your phone in the course of the night).

NB: As a general rule the host can do whatever the heck he or she wishes, they’ve given up their house, might even have provided some booze, which makes them champion of the night and immune to bad behaviour.

1. Arrive on time ish. So the party starts at 8, no one actually expects you to turn up at 8, but don’t be the douche who rocks up at 11.45 causes a scene and makes everyone miss the countdown to midnight.
2. Don’t abuse the ‘plus one’ allowance. Your host has been kind enough to let you bring a mate of your choosing, don’t then bring an army of your tosser mates along with you.
3. If you do abuse this rule, ensure that you integrate your crew into the party. Don’t just turn up, pour yourselves some drinks, then go and sit in a spare bedroom whilst the majority of the party is downstairs – it’s awkward and it’s rude.
4. Introduce your friends to people. You’re chatting away to a mate you haven’t seen in a while when their shadow makes an odd movement.  Oh wait, that’s no shadow, just the shell of a friend who hasn’t been introduced lingering behind their inviter like a dog that’s misbehaved.
5. Bring booze and bring enough. One bottle of wine doesn’t cut it, chances are you’ll drink that in an hour or so then go rummaging through the washing machine and assortment of household plants searching for other people’s stashed boozed – like a tosser.  If everyone brings enough there is no need to stash or steal.  It’s sort of like a microcosm of the economy but with Apple Sourz and party dresses instead of the pound and wankers in suits.
6. Don’t spend the whole evening reminiscing about events that only you and handful of people were there to experience. You will alienate the rest of the people at the party and they will think you are a tosser, because you are.
7. Don’t have extreme surges of any emotion (except maybe happiness). No one likes a cryer and no one likes an aggressive drunk – sure you might be able to get away with it on Thursday nights down your local or after one-too-many jagerbombs in Soho, but this is NYE people and this kinda shit won’t fly.
8. Don’t take over the music. There is a special place in hell reserved for iPod hoggers, especially those who change songs halfway through.
9. Don’t ignore spills. If you spill it, clean it.    Everyone makes mistakes but don’t just stand and stare at the seeping stain, clean it the fuck up.
10. Don’t spend the whole night trying to pull. Desperation shouldn’t be the name of the game for 2015.  Chill the fuck out, have fun with your mates and stop trying to flirt with the ugly twat who’s re-appropriated one of the house decorations into their outfit.
11. Don’t abuse the hosts ‘no entry policy’. Particularly when the host shares a house either with their parents or flatmates – everyone has a private drawer and that privacy should remain sacred.
12. Handle yo business. If you feel you’re getting too pissed/need to vom, that’s cool – just handle it.  Be discreet and be accurate, get it in the toilet, grab a glass of water (and maybe a breath mint) and get back to the party.
13. Don’t hijack the party. So you’re the life and soul, good for you.  Don’t then be the supremo tosser who decides to go off and get food or go to another house party taking half the ‘effing guests with them.  Instead be the cool kid who breezes in, parties hard and then slips away into the night.  #epic
14. Don’t overstep the sleepover status quo. Chances are the host will have allocated a certain amount of beds for his/her closest mates or people travelling from far away, so don’t pass out before everyone else spread-eagled on the one spare double bed you tosser.
15. Don’t shit in a mop bucket. A sub-section of ‘handle yo buisness’ and a rule not exclusive to shitting in a bucket just that that actually happened at a mates house party.  The principle is that whoever did it probably thought, in their (let’s hope) incredibly inebriated state, that this would be an idea of epic proportions, a great story for the next day.  Well let me tell you matey, it wasn’t and will never be.  If I ever found a miscellaneous poo post house party I would get it DNA tested, then post it to the offending friend’s parents’ house with a note reading ‘Dear Ma & Pa, you raised me to be little more than the enclosed. Love tosser xxx’

Now, this is all fair and well but when you’re two-bottles-of-cava-sinking-your-fifth-stella deep you’re hardly going to remember this list, so in the event that tosserish behaviour occurs, and it most likely will, feel free to abuse said tosser in return – particularly funny when they pass out before everyone.  Seriously people, go nuts!  Revenge has no bounds when your mates being a bellend.

 Happy New Years!